ADHD and Autism in Relationships: Navigating Neurodiversity with Empathy and Communication
written by Micah Brown
There is a subset of people who clamor about how ADHD and Autism are being overdiagnosed without fully understanding what either of these neurological differences are. There have always been people who are ADHD and Autistic out in the world. They have always existed, and they always will. What’s happening is that we’re watching as science and psychology begin to better understand what they are, how they function, and how people with these differences can be accommodated and able to succeed.
Undiagnosed neurodiversity can cause a major strain on a relationship, especially if one of the partners isn’t empathetic to the plight of the one who is struggling. We cannot blame the one who loses patience nor can we blame the individual who has been undiagnosed. It’s the conflagration of these things that can cause serious issues. Even after an official diagnosis has been procured, the issues that existed before the diagnosis don’t just disappear. The reason for a diagnosis is to help the individual better understand themselves and, hopefully, assist their partner in comprehending the struggles they may face.
What is Neurodiversity?
The blanket definition of Neurodiversity is simply that an individual’s brain functions different from the majority of the population. It was primarily used to describe those who had suffered traumatic head injuries until around 2020 or so when it became a popular term to use for those who had any number of neurological differences, but focused heavily on ADHD and Autism.
There is quite a bit of crossover between ADHD and Autism and many times the symptoms may appear the same to those on the outside, but there tends to be differences that may not be noticed on the surface or maybe hidden by the individual (this is referred to as “Masking”).
In the 1980s, the idea of ADHD was focused entirely on what was deemed ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder). The focus of the research at the time was on those children, almost entirely identified as male, who could not sit still in their seats or keep their mouths shut. They were often labeled as troublemakers and sent to special education classrooms despite often being quite intelligent and insightful.
As the understanding of what ADD was, it became ADHD (Attention Deficit / Hyperactivity Disorder). What’s interesting here is that the “Hyperactivity” aspect of this doesn’t just refer to the inability to sit still, but to the hyperactive portion of the brain that can be seen in those who suffer from the inattentive type of ADHD (there is also the hyperactive type, which does describe the physically hyperactive trait).
Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD or Autism for short) is a much different animal than ADHD. On observation, it may appear that somebody on the spectrum who has high verbal skills may suffer from the inattentive type of ADHD because they can seem disconnected and may not focus on what’s being taught to them. While they may look similar, what’s going on behind the scenes and in the brain is much different.
Then there are those who are both ADHD and Autistic - colloquially called “AuDHD.” The two combined diversities can feed off each other and may cause more problems in social situations than just one or the other.
While someone who is Autistic may become fascinated by a particular subject and dive down a rabbit hole of information about it, somebody who has ADHD may get hyper-focused on the topic for a period of time before jumping to the next topic. For those who are both, they may find that they are jumping from topic to topic but never focusing on the things they are supposed to be focusing on.
“Lazy, Forgetful, and Useless”
If you are neurodiverse, then it is likely that you’ve heard these phrases directed at you before. They hurt because on some level, you understand that you are none of those things, but at the same time, you begin to question yourself. Am I lazy because I can’t make myself get up off the couch and sweep the kitchen? You know it will only take five minutes, but you’ve been paralyzed by the thought of it over thirty minutes and you still can’t make yourself get up and do it.
Students may feel the pressure of homework hovering over them, knowing that it has to get done, knowing that it’s important for their grades to just sit down and do the work, but dragging themselves away from the computer, phone, book, doodles, video game just isn’t happening no matter how many times they tell themselves that it has to get done.
Inevitably they will hear the dreaded phrase that nearly all neurodivergent people have heard in their lives: “They’d do so well if they could just apply themselves.”
You want to shout at them and tell them that you want to apply yourself, but you can’t make yourself move. Parents become frustrated, bosses get fed-up, teachers lash out and punish students who literally cannot control their actions.
Hearing these terms at a young age can have a lasting effect on an individual. While people say things like “High school is only four years” they seem to forget that at the time, those four years represent nearly a quarter of their entire lived experience. That’s why when you look back at high school it can often feel incredibly fresh even after thirty, forty, or fifty years.
For neurotypical folks, the perception of the length of a year will change as they age. At age sixteen, one year is 1/16th of your life. When you reach forty, one year is now 1/40th of your life. Time begins to move faster as you age, not because it’s actually moving faster, but because each year becomes a smaller fraction of your total lived experience. This means that even for a neurotypical, those high school years may feel like a much longer period of time than just four years.
If you happen to be neurodivergent, your sense of time is likely confused. You may suffer from time blindness and not comprehend the passage of time in the same way. Something that happened twenty years ago may feel as though it happened yesterday, and something that happened yesterday may feel as though it happened forty years ago.
This inability to distinguish the passage of time can lead to issues within a relationship.
“Can you please mop the floors?”
“I did that yesterday!”
“You did that a month ago. You’re just lazy and forgetful.”
This approach can lead to an argument that can cause serious damage to a relationship. The person with the neurodiversity (ND) becomes frustrated because it doesn’t feel like it’s been that long since the floors were mopped, while the person who is neurotypical (NT) has been watching the floors getting more and more dirty for a month before finally saying something. The fact that the ND person claims they did it the day before makes the NT person angry, and everything begins to spiral.
Managing Expectations with ND Partners
After a diagnosis has occurred, it’s important to give that partner some grace. Trying to figure out how to navigate their new normal will be frightening and exciting. As somebody who was diagnosed as an adult, it can be difficult to come to terms with. On the one hand, you now understand the huge portion of your childhood that made little to no sense to you before. On the other hand, you now have to figure out how to approach your life in a wholly new way.
Somebody who is diagnosed with ADHD maybe prescribed a medication to help them focus during the day. These medications are meant as a way to help maintain focus, but they are not a quick fix. There are many things that somebody who has been diagnosed and medicated will have to re-learn how to do. Having them on meds does not mean that they will suddenly start doing all their chores on time, but it does mean that they will be better able to build a routine that will help with chores (or work, or whatever needs some extra attention).
Even with meds, somebody who lived forty years without any kind of official support and who is freshly diagnosed is going to need some leeway and some help.
“I didn’t sign up to be a parent to an adult child!”
Ask anybody who has been a partner of somebody who is ND, and it is likely this feeling that made them crazy. The ND person who is being compared to a child in these situations hates feeling parented just as much as the NT person hates the feeling of parenting an adult. It will take time to find ways to communicate, get them to help, and not feel overwhelming frustration every time they need another reminder to mop the floors.
In the beginning, as you build routines, it may be even more infuriating, but in the end, those routines will help focus and guide them.
Building Routines
As more people have begun to understand neurodiversity, there have been more and more tools that have made it to market to help those who are ND navigate the world and be successful. There are apps that gamify chores and provide points and even fun little mini games when things are completed. There are digital calendars that you can hang on the wall that will provide you with a list of tasks for the day, appointments, and even allow for meal planning through a companion app on a smartphone.
Therapy is also a great way to help somebody who has recently been diagnosed better understand how their brain works. Things that work for one person may not work for somebody else, so its important to experiment until you find what does work for you.
I’m very technologically motivated, however, I find that trying to keep track of things that I need to do just on my technology isn’t always the best thing for me. I use a combination of a digital calendar and an actual, physical, planner that fits inside my bag with my laptop. Writing something by hand will help me remember even more than typing it into the calendar. When my alarm goes off to remind me, I’ll see the reminder, remember writing it down, and will be far less likely to turn it off and forget about it.
Some people find it useful to have a whiteboard or chalkboard in the kitchen or other high-traffic area of the house where everybody can see it. Others like having a notebook that fits in their pocket. Somebody else may enjoy bullet journaling and spending the time every week carefully laying out their bullet journal for the week ahead
Finding what works for your ND person may require some necessary experimentation to build these routines and help them be successful at home, at work, and in the world.
The Communication Conundrum
We can shout it from the rooftops as often as we want, but communication is key. The problem with communication and neurodivergence is that finding a way to communicate with them is often difficult. Someone who is on the spectrum may not fully understand the meaning behind your words, while somebody who is ADHD may not absorb everything you’re trying to say. Finding unique and specific manners of communication is important in these situations, and understanding that a sit-down conversation may not be the best option for somebody who is ND is important.
If you’re attempting to communicate with somebody on the spectrum, it’s crucial to remember that they are often very blunt and may not understand the subtext themselves. It can make it difficult for them to communicate with somebody who is NT simply because they do not always understand the social subtleties of the average communication style.
To provide an exaggerated example, somebody on the spectrum may be very blunt with their conversation. This may end up hurting the feelings of the person they are talking to, but they may not understand why their feelings are hurt.
A neighbor approaches the house with a new hairstyle that does not suit them.
NT Person: “Did you just get back from the salon? It’s amazing!”
ND Person: “What happened to your hair?”
Neighbor: “Does it look bad?”
NT Person: “It’s very different on you, but it’s good!”
ND Person: “Yes. Very.”
When you’re in a relationship with somebody who is ND, getting used to blunt communication styles can be difficult. Not only do they provide direct conversation without thought to soften a blow, but they expect the same from everybody around them. When asked, they often feel as though too much time is lost on social games they don’t understand so that feelings aren’t hurt, when things could just get done faster and more efficiently if everybody dropped the pretense and just said the things that needed to be said.
Final Words
Being in a relationship with somebody who is ND can be challenging. As somebody who is ND, I have seen the frustration from past partners when trying to deal with my idiosyncrasies. Before my diagnosis, I felt like the Lazy, Forgetful, and Useless person I was being told that I was. After diagnosis, I was able to better understand who I was and bring a more authentic me to future relationships which resulted in my marriage to my now life-partner who is also ND.
As a point of interest, studies have shown that neurodivergent people communicate more effectively with other neurodivergent people than neurotypical people communicate with other neurotypical individuals. While there is no firm answer as to why from the research community, the thoughts about it revolve around the lack of social posturing and credit-seeking that exists with ND folks. They share information and work with that information. In contrast, NT folk tend to try and talk around a subject or don’t provide the full information to others to avoid hurting feelings or even getting into trouble.
When communicating, be direct. Be honest. And be willing to hear the same back from them.
It may not be easy being with somebody who is ND, but it can be incredibly rewarding.
