Digital Romance and Sexting: Finding Love, Connection, and Safety Online
written by Micah Brown
The world has changed from the days when you had to go out to meet somebody at social events or popular gathering spots. Now you can log into an app on your phone and start swiping to find somebody for a date, relationship, or even just the night. The entire culture around dating and relationships has been upended over the past several decades by the advent of the internet and then Mobile Technology and apps.
Finding the Right Dating App for Your Needs
Instead of hoping to bump into the "right person" at the local coffee shop, or find love on a weekend night out at the bars, we can open one of the many apps that are available to the masses for the purposes of finding a mate (or mates, if that's your thing). With so many different options for dating apps, how does one choose an app that's going to work for them? And with so many apps now charging various fees, how worth it are the additional expenditures to find somebody?
As somebody who once spent over $1,000 on dating apps after my divorce, I can tell you that as a cis-het male, spending that much money just isn’t worth it – but also, as a cis-het male, spending some amount of money to get noticed may also help your chances. If you’re a cis woman, het or otherwise, you probably won’t need to spend any money to find a match, but you will probably be flooded with people who want to match with you.
The sad part is that even if you’re listed as a lesbian, many cis-het men will still try to convince you that you’re not really that into girls. That said, there are now apps out there that focus on more specific match-making for those who do not fit into the the traditional mould. Whether you want an app for dating in the poly community, the gay and lesbian community, the trans community, and even the kink and BDSM communities, you can find apps that will help you hone in on those specific desires. We’re even beginning to see the rise of apps aimed at those who are asexual and aromantic who are just looking for platonic friends.
Finding an app that works for you may take some time and some reading. When you’re checking out an app, make certain to look beyond the Star Rating and read reviews people wrote. I always make it a habit to read 10 five-star reviews and 10 one-star reviews. This gave me a sense of what people really liked about the app and what people really hated about it.
Keeping Romance Alive with Thoughtful Digital Gestures
Whether you’ve just started dating or you’ve been together for years, the advent of the digital world now living in your pocket has changed how we approach romance and sex. Gone are the days of sending a dirty polaroid in your partner’s briefcase or purse to entice them home for a quickie during lunch. Now you can simply text them a spicy picture of yourself and worry less that they might drop the polaroid in the hallway in their rush to get home to you.
But let’s not confuse lust with romance. While it is certainly good to lust after your partner, romance is a much different animal and focuses more on the emotional connection and less on physical desire.
Being romantic in the age of smartphones and the internet has somehow become simultaneously easier and more difficult.
Where it was once necessary to go to a flower shop, or even just call a flower shop, to have an arrangement sent to your partner, it can now be done with a few taps on your smartphone. There’s no interaction with the florist about customizing your arrangement, no ability to smell the flowers themselves, or just talk to a professional so they can help you make good choices.
The same can be said for sending chocolates or any other kind of gift, for that matter. The ease with which we can find and procure “romantic” gifts makes them inherently less romantic.
The idea of romance is that of putting some thought into a gift. Taking the time to choose something that shows your partner what they mean to you. How can you do that with just a few taps on your phone? How can romance continue if it’s been reduced to an afterthought?
It is still possible to be thoughtful and show care in the age of the internet. It is even possible to be thoughtful and romantic when ordering through your smartphone, but that means putting intention behind your digital shopping. It means finding ways to show your partner how deeply you care for them and personalizing their experience with you, even through digital means.
I’ll use myself as an example. I have terrible handwriting. A teacher once told me that “in 40 years of teaching, I have never seen writing as abhorrent as yours.” Despite how much my wife loves me, reading my handwriting is next to impossible unless I’ve taken the time to write very slowly. I also like writing her poems every now and then (I really should write her more poems).
I can type out a poem, then put into a text message for her, and then she gets an original poem that I wrote for her in a format that is legible. It also means that I can send these little poems at any point during the day and she will get it instead of having to wait until she’s home.
There are other, countless ways to keep romance alive while using digital tools.
The Role of Sexting and Erotic Messaging in Relationships
We are, by and large, sexual beings. That means that for most of us, sex is a pretty central part of our lives. Whether we’re having sex, masturbating, or simply thinking about sex, it can take up a good portion of our thoughts and urges on any given day. Sexting with your partner and sending erotic messages back and forth is a great way to keep your sex life alive when you’re both working long hours, or if you happen to be living in a long-distance situation.
Eroticism in letters and personal communications is nothing new. Simply looking at the letters of Anaïs Nin can tell you how deeply erotic thought and communication were ingrained in our society even in the early 20th century. You can go back further and read some pretty spicy letters that Napoleon wrote to his wife, and even further than that to find eroticism spread out all over history.
Our desire to continue to share that aspect of ourselves with people we care about hasn’t changed.
In fact, the act of sexting itself can be a relationship-strengthening exercise that adds some additional anticipation and fun to your sex life. Sexting your partner all day and then coming home with both of you having been turned on all day can result in some pretty mind-blowing sex!
Even today, with the advent of all this technology, it can be fun to send a letter through the mail to your special someone, or even an email can be a nice surprise for them. Just don’t send sexy-time emails to their work email.
Staying Safe While Navigating Digital Intimacy
One of the biggest concerns people have with the digital age is safety. I’m sure we remember the horror stories of people meeting dates they met online and being murdered. While the actual numbers for this sort of thing have never been very high, remaining safe when you’re dealing with online romance and sex is important.
Unless you’re really okay with pictures of your naked body somehow making it out into the world, don’t send naked pictures to people you hardly know. While Sex Workers, such as cam personalities, make a living by having their bodies exposed to strangers, unless that’s your job, consider who you are sending your images to before you send them. It might seem fun to send some naughty pics to somebody you matched with on the new dating app, but we would recommend that you don’t do that until you have established a great deal of trust with that individual.
On the reverse side of that coin, you want to make certain that if you are sending a pic to somebody, it’s one they have asked for and specifically agreed to receive from you. Consent matters, even when it comes to sending and receiving images. The most well known unsolicited images come mostly from cis-het men who send women the ubiquitous “dick pics” when such images haven’t been asked for. Don’t do that.
“If you feel as though the person you’re talking to might want to see pictures of your “bits” then ask them if that’s what they want. Never send a pic that hasn’t been consented to being seen.”
While it may feel like common sense for many, we’d just like to remind everybody to never meet a new person at their home or a hotel. Be sure that any first dates occur somewhere public. Make sure somebody knows where you’re going and who you’re meeting. Don’t be afraid to ask questions of your date, and if anything feels off, it’s okay to end the date at any point. Remember, you don’t owe anybody anything – and anybody who tries to convince you of that isn’t a person you want to be dating anyway.
Expect More Changes
A technology advances, expect the culture of dating and partnering to change along with it. Who knows what will happen next, but maybe we’ll all start meeting in VR bars instead of in real life or even on our phones. Maybe there will be some magical advancement that helps us find our soulmate by sending a blood sample to be analyzed.
Whatever changes are coming, it’s important that we keep the soul of romance alive and that we don’t simply give into the ease of romance that’s being sold to us.
Keep romance personal. Keep sex fun and new. Find ways for technology to enhance these experiences, not commercialize them for profit.
