Emotional Intimacy and Fear of Rejection: How to Cope, Communicate, and Stay Connected
written by Micah Brown
One of the worst feelings in the world is rejection. Whether it’s rejection from a prospective employer, rejection from a professional entity like a publisher or art gallery, or the rejection of a potential partner, the fear of that rejection can become debilitating for many. How do we navigate a world that’s filled with possible rejections when we’re also terrified of the idea of being rejected?
As somebody who has lived with rejection-sensitive dysphoria, that fear of rejection can become completely overwhelming if I’m not careful with how I approach certain aspects of my life. For example, when things are happening early in a relationship, I can read too much into whether or not the person I’m dating responds to my texts in a timely manner. In my younger years, that meant I was the asshole who was texting incessantly when somebody didn’t respond. Doing that likely won’t end well for you (it never ended well for me, and I have nobody to blame but myself).
Now that I’m married, I have a whole new slew of things I worry about regarding rejection, but we’ll get to that.
Whether you have rejection-sensitive dysphoria or you’re just plain worried about rejection, how we approach and deal with rejection is still an essential part of our lives and how we interact with those around us.
Knowing all this, how do we approach emotional intimacy when we know that becoming emotionally entangled with somebody else, whether romantic or platonic, heightens the possible fallout from any type of rejection?
The simplified answer: With a careful balancing act.
What is Rejection?
At it’s core, rejection is hearing a “no” when what we want to hear is a “yes.” Perhaps the biggest issue surrounding any rejection is how it is dressed to meet us. For example, there may be some flowery language around a rejection: “This isn’t a good time for me.” The word “no” isn’t uttered in that sentence, but the meaning remains. Whether you’re hearing that from a prospective partner or a job you’re really hoping to land, it all boils down to a “no.”
But, not everybody likes to use the word “no” when they’re giving you a rejection. Sometimes they won’t want to say anything and ghost you, other times they may continually “put you off” in the hopes that you will eventually give up, or maybe they’ll stand you up for a date.
Whatever the action or the words, they all lead to the same “no” in the end.
Common Responses to Rejection and Why They Happen
How we respond to rejection depends on who we are and what we’ve learned about coping strategies. A newer trend, mentioned above, is ghosting. The term originated from the dating scene, wherein somebody you had been dating vanishes without explanation. They may have been texting and calling you all the time, and then they suddenly stop. It’s also possible they then turn around and block you entirely from social media and other means of possible communication. Ghosting is one of the most challenging things for many to comprehend and get closure. Where one of the people may have been all-in for the relationship, they may not have realized that the other person wasn’t as interested and found somebody else, or didn’t communicate a move to another city or state or country, or simply felt it wasn’t working and cut the cord.
For those who have been ghosted, understanding why it happened may never be in the cards, and that makes this sort of rejection incredibly difficult to get closure from. For those who suffer from RSD, this can be devastating and start an emotional spiral into a depressive episode. Questions ranging from “What did I do wrong?” to “How can I learn from this if I don’t know why this happened?” can swirl around and lead somebody into the abyss of “What If.”
“What if I said the wrong thing at dinner?”
“What if I didn’t laugh at their joke?”
“What if I embarrassed them?”
“What if I’m no good in bed?
“What if…”
These questions can lead to micro-analyzing every interaction you had and trying to find exactly where you fucked up and made them decide you were unloveable. This can further compound into being hyperaware of every interaction you’re having with somebody afterward and cause even more problems as you try to become somebody you’re not to fit the idea you have in your head of what a partner wants you to be.
From personal experience, I can say that the mental gymnastics you have to do are exhausting. It’s ultimately not worth it because eventually, you’ll get burned out trying to be somebody you’re not, and who you are will come through.
How to Manage Rejection and Perceived Rejection
How we manage rejection is an important part of going through life. When my wife and I first started dating, I let her know that I was ADHD and Autistic. I explained RSD to her, not as a way to say “don’t reject me or I’ll spiral” but to let her know that clear communication was very helpful to me and that a firm, unequivocal “no” was going to save both of us lots of stress going forward. I have never dealt well with the “not knowing” part of any situation. Whether it’s wondering if a partner is as interested in me as I am in them, or if I’m waiting to hear back about a job interview, or even wondering if a new friend might want to come over and hang out for games, when I don’t know what the response is I can get anxious.
Some of my experiences I talked about earlier in this piece had to do with what you might term “perceived rejection.” If you think about it as the idea of ghosting, then you begin to understand it to some degree. Perceived rejection is your brain telling you that you have been rejected when you don’t know whether you have been or not. A good example is texting the person you’ve dating and asking if they’d like to go to dinner and then not getting an immediate response. Even if “most people” just go on with their day until their prospective date returns their text, others may worry if there’s not a response within an hour. If it goes into two hours, things can begin to feel more dire. If this is how you experience waiting, I completely understand and empathize with you. It can feel miserable.
What’s important is to remember that the people who we are waiting to hear from are not responsible for how we feel. Even if we explain to them how we are and how we respond, that doesn’t mean that they suddenly have to respond to us at the drop of a hat. Think about the person you’re asking out on this date. What do they do? Maybe they’re in the medical field and are meeting with a patient or performing surgery. Perhaps they’re a lawyer and in the courtroom arguing a case. Maybe they’re waitstaff at a restaurant and it’s abnormally busy because the conference on Eco-Toilets has come to town and the place is slammed.
Sometimes it feels impossible not to play the “What-If” game with ourselves, so when that happens, think about the questions above. Think about the What-Ifs that are positive reasons they are not getting back to you instead of focusing on the negative.
“What if they’re saving a life?”
“What if they’re in the middle of an interview for a new job?”
“What if they’re in a meeting with their boss and just got promoted?”
“What if they’re getting a new phone and the number is porting over from the old one?”
If you have to go down the wild road of What-If, then at least don’t make it a wholly desolate experience.
Rejection in Emotionally Intimate Relationships
When people talk about emotional intimacy, they almost always associate that with a romantic connection, but you can have an intimate emotional relationship with family and friends as well. Who are the people you share your deepest secrets with? Who are the people that you would turn to when you needed a shoulder to cry on? Who understands you better than the rest of the world? Those are the people with whom you are emotionally intimate.
The idea of rejection becomes even more complex when we are working within an emotionally intimate relationship. Rejection in these cases can be either easier to manage or far more difficult to manage, depending on several factors.
Asking your long-term partner out on a date and getting a rejection from them will likely be followed up with an explanation and the suggestion of another day for the date to occur. You’re probably not going to feel terrible about them telling you “no” because you understand their life much better. If you live together, that fear of being suddenly left is greatly reduced as well.
The flip side to that is when there is a deeply emotional rejection, it will wound far more than the rejection of somebody with whom you’d gone on a few dates. Whether it’s a forgotten birthday or anniversary to something like being handed divorce papers, the big rejections in emotionally intimate relationships can be brutal and leave you feeling as though your entire life has come to a screeching halt.
Being in a long term relationship does not mean that your fear of rejection suddenly disappears. In fact, that fear of rejection can become even stronger as it gets focused on all the negative “What-Ifs” that could be occurring.
“What if they’re cheating on me?”
“What if they died in a car accident?”
“What if they don’t love me anymore?”
For some, that fear of rejection can become overwhelming and begin to cause problems within the relationship. For others, they may feel it better to reject the person they’re with before they are rejected so they don’t have to feel the pain of rejection. Others may become co-dependent and clingy, wanting so desperately to hold onto the person of their affections that they become overbearing and demanding.
When these sorts of negative responses to possible rejection occur, it may lead to the very thing they’re trying to stop from happening. It’s also very likely that the person who feels these intense fears around rejection also understand that they are holding on too tight, pushing too hard, and yet feel a compulsion to continue because of their fears.
As somebody who is guilty of this, I clearly remember feeling as though I was watching myself from the outside as I pounded on the glass and tried to tell myself that I didn’t need to call and leave another message and that I didn’t need to send another text, and watching myself do those very things anyway.
Managing Fear of Rejection with Self-Awareness and Support
Nobody likes being rejected (unless you’re skipped over for The Hunger Games, perhaps). Those who are neurodivergent tend to have a much more difficult time managing their fear of rejection and rejection itself, especially when it’s not laid out clearly.
If you’re not sure if you’re being rejected because of the language somebody is using, don’t hesitate to simply ask about it. For me, I simply tell people having a firm “no” will allow me to shut down the questioning parts of myself and move forward. I further explain that ambiguous answers I tend to interpret as a consistent “maybe.”
For those of us who are neurodivergent and who may feel that fear of rejection more acutely than the average neurotypical, we have to remember that our neurodivergence isn’t our fault, but how we manage it is our responsibility.
We can say: “I acted this way because of my neurodivergence and I hadn’t learned the tools I needed to manage it better, but this doesn’t make how I acted okay nor excuse it.”
We cannot say: “I acted this way because of my neurodivergence which means it wasn’t my fault and I shouldn’t be held accountable for my actions because of that.”
If you have an overwhelming fear of rejection, I would highly recommend contacting a professional therapist to help you find ways of managing those fears and managing rejection when it happens.
