How Kink Builds Deep Connection: Trust, Communication, and Power Exchange in BDSM

written by Micah Brown

Many different types of connections can occur between two people. Some of them are surface-level, like your friends at work. Others will be a more personal connection, like the friends you’ve made who you trust. Then you start to get into the connections that grow between people in a relationship. While family is often talked about as being the deepest connection, it’s important to note that found family may have an even deeper connection than blood relatives.

The connections between those involved in a kink dynamic are shown to be some of the strongest. Now, there are professional Dominatrixes and Doms out in the world and you may wonder what kind of deep connection might they feel with their clients if it’s all a professional exchange? Don’t worry, we’ll get there.

Why Trust Is the Foundation of Every BDSM Dynamic

One of the most important things that comes from any type of connection is trust. The amount and depth of trust a person may feel will depend entirely on the type of relationship you have with them. You’re going to trust the people you know at work differently than you would trust the friends that you grew up with and have remained friends with for decades. Even a co-worker you’ve known for decades won’t garner the same amount of trust as a friend (though there are co-workers who become very good friends, but that’s not every co-worker).

There are also different types of trust when it comes to those you do professional business with. For example, you may trust a surgeon to cut you open and remove your appendix never having met them before you ended up in the ER with abdominal pain, but it is unlikely you would trust that same surgeon with your deepest, darkest secret (however, you may trust your regular doctor with such a secret if it may have an impact on your health).

The trust that a person has with their kink partner(s) is something that goes beyond the trust you feel toward most other people in your life. Often, you are trusting your kink partner with your life. Many of the things that go on within a kink scene can be considered highly dangerous, so the person you are with during those scenes must be trusted, even if they are “only” a professional (please note that I do not feel that anybody who is a kink professional is “only” anything – it’s a difficult job and there is quite a bit of responsibility that lands on their shoulders to keep themselves and their clientele safe).

However, much like the surgeon who you trust to cut you open and rummage around in your guts, a professional Kinkster may not be afforded the same amount of trust as your best friend. Though, it is quite possible that a professional kinksters may well have more trust than a best friend since often those who provide such professional services are quite used to secrecy.

When it comes to the trust between those who are both in a relationship and a dynamic with each other, the amount of trust involved becomes impossible to measure. When we talk “kink” and “dynamic” in this piece, we’re not just talking about people who enjoy spankings, but people who enjoy getting bruises, cuts, slaps, choked, pierced, and punished. Many of the things that a Dom does to their submissive, if done incorrectly, may cause permanent damage or even death. When you’re allowing somebody that much control over yourself and your body, you’re trusting them to know when your body has had enough, or to honor your safe word should you ever end up using it stop play.

Connection

The deepening connection between kinksters is unlike anything else. You are trusting somebody enough to stand before them naked knowing they are going to do things that hurt you in a way that turns you on without hurting you in a way that lands you in the hospital and them in jail. On the other side of that trust, you have somebody naked and bound before you who has given you the reigns to do to them whatever it is you have agreed on and not to go a step beyond that agreement.

The connection I have with my partner is one I find it difficult to find words to explain. We live a 24/7 Total Power Exchange dynamic, meaning that she has provided me with all the control. At the same time, we have sat down and discussed at length the things that we enjoy, where the limits are for her so I know when to draw the line, and keep her safe.

The Role of Communication in Safe and Connected Play

Beyond that, I know I can trust her with anything at all. I talk to her about everything happening in my life and she shares with me the same things. We work through issues together with more grace and understanding than most people simply because we’re very used to communicating with each other on very deep levels.

Kinksters know how to communicate because every play session has to be understood by those involved and all the lines must be clearly spelled out so that none of those lines are crossed and nobody ends up getting hurt (in ways they do not want or expect). Those communication skills are often used outside of play to improve their entire relationship.

Being with a partner you cannot communicate well with means that eventually you’re going to end up losing that relationship. That’s not saying that you need to understand everything about your partner (why my partner likes IPAs I will never understand), but being able to communicate well will only lead to your relationship to a better, more connected space.

Conclusions

Forming connections with your partner is an important step in any relationship. Taking the time to get to know each other on a level deeper than just the surface can help to create a stronger, more unyielding bond between you. Those who practice kink end up having incredibly strong bonds with those people they practice their kink with. Even if that person isn’t a romantic interest, the trust and dedication that the kinksters feel for each other is astounding.

The amount of trust that must be present in any kink encounter means that those involved must have a connection that is deeper than the norm. It is unlikely, but not unheard of, that somebody will go home with another person from the bar and then allow them to poke them with needles, cut them, or choke them.

But if you’re into that person enough, maybe one day, all those things will be on the table because you’ve formed a deep connection.