How to Ask for Emotional Support: Overcoming Barriers, Communicating Needs, and Seeking Help
written by Micah Brown
As much as we might all wish for our partners and friends to read our minds at all times, that is just not possible. And just because somebody does not see queues well does not mean they do not actively and deeply care for you. Sometimes, we just need to be able to ask for things we need from our partners and friends.
Asking for help should never be considered a weakness. While the über masculine idea that asking for help is somehow a weakness still permeates so much of our society, the truth that the Alpha Bros do not want you to know is just how afraid they are. Asking for help takes courage and bravery. Maybe not as much when it is your partner or your best friend of twenty years, but even in those cases, it can be scary.
As a society, masculine people have often eschewed asking for help, even for something as simple as directions. This is such a known truth that multiple comic sketches exist, as well as movies and television shows that take that trope and run with it.
What is Emotional Support?
While this seems like a very basic question, emotional support goes much deeper than simply holding somebody as they cry or providing them with reassurance. While these actions absolutely demonstrate emotional support during a tragedy or a spiral into depression, it will take more than simply hugging and cuddling to show your support.
Think about those times we have seen somebody we know lose a loved one that is close to them. Think about the food delivered to their home, the little bits of helping around the house, and the minutiae picked up by those around them. These acts of physical assistance are displaying emotional support. If you have ever experienced a devastating loss, the weight of that loss can make even the most basic daily tasks seem insurmountable. The fact that people have brought food over makes it incredibly easy for you to continue to eat because the food is already there and ready to be consumed. Somebody stopping by to load and unload the dishwasher or wash the dishes takes that weight off your mind and allows you to focus on the grief in a way that will enable you to heal.
Standing In Our Own Way
When it comes to asking for help, we are often our own worst enemies, arguing with ourselves about whether or not we need the help. We can, once again, attribute the unhealthy masculine ideas that have been so prevalent to this reluctance to even admit we need help. This can affect not just those who exhibit the traits of toxic masculinity but also those who have come to believe that asking for any kind of help is a sign of weakness.
It can be much easier for somebody who leans harder into feminine energy and representation to ask for help because, sadly, society has pushed the idea that feminine means weak and constantly in need of help.
With the rise of feminism in the 20th century, we saw a movement that was giving the strength back to those who represented themselves as feminine. As that movement continued to grow, one of the benefits was the viewpoint that those who identify as women are not, in fact, weak. The irony here is that this means that individuals who identified as women were suddenly starting to question when they needed help, not wanting to appear as the weaker sex any longer.
Outside of societal pressures, our own sense of embarrassment and insecurities can often get in the way of wanting help. Things get even murkier when we start asking for emotional support. Asking for help moving a dresser is much easier than asking for help dealing with your emotions.
The Role of Communication in Expressing Emotional Needs
Communicating with your friends and partners will always be the key to asking for help. As we have explored many times in our articles, communication is key. Having a partner or a friend (or several of each) that you can open up to about the emotional life that goes on inside you can be a great benefit when it comes to the point that you need additional emotional support. You may be breaking up with a partner, or you and your best friend have gotten into a tiff. Having somebody you can turn to and talk to about these emotional events will help to soothe the jagged edges.
Research clearly shows that having a close-knit friend group can be a great benefit when we need additional support.
When we find ourselves in such a dark place that it becomes difficult to get out of bed in the morning after a personal tragedy, simply having that group of people who know you, can help ensure that you can get out of bed and continue with the necessary parts of your life.
How to Ask for Emotional Support from Friends and Loved Ones
Now that we have a basic understanding of what emotional support can look like, asking for that help is a whole different issue to tackle. As we discussed earlier, societal pressures can make it difficult for many to open up about what they feel inside or admit to their closest friends how bad things are under the surface. As much as we can tout the idea of communication, it is up to you to instigate that communication or, even if a friend approaches you about your emotional health, openly discuss what is going on under the surface.
If you find it difficult to ask for help, you may want to try approaching it differently. It can be frightening to open up, even to those you love, when you are hurting.
Try writing a letter. As somebody who tends to be much more eloquent with the written word myself, this has been a go-to for me when I could not speak the words. Having the time and space to put the words down, rearrange them, and make them as clear as possible has often been how I have gotten the emotional support I need. In fact, I have also used letters and emails to communicate with my therapist to make sure that they are aware of my emotional state between sessions when things get complicated. It helps to keep therapy on track and does not allow me the ability to stray off-topic or avoid my feelings when they are difficult.
Of course, the most direct way to ask for help is to ask for it.
“Hi, Jane? Shit has been terrible, and I am not doing great. Do you have some time to come over and chat for a bit?”
Even if you have somebody there and you find yourself having difficulty finding words, the fact that your friend is with you can help ease some of the distress. And do not worry if you cannot find the words right away – your friend will understand and help you find your way through it.
When to Seek Professional Help: Finding the Right Therapist
Everybody should have a therapist. Even if the world is going swimmingly well, having a therapist who knows you and is outside looking in means that there will be somebody who you can talk to on the day that something happens and you find yourself in need of emotional support. While a therapist cannot provide the same sense of companionship that a friend or partner can offer, they allow you space to process your emotions and explore them so that when you ask your loved ones for additional support, you better understand what you need.
If you do decide to find a therapist, do not assume that the first one you meet with is the right one for you. Remember that finding a therapist with whom you connect is important, or you will get nothing out of the sessions and end up wasting your time.
There are many ways to find a therapist, and a growing number of options for finding an online therapist make it easier than ever to find professional help.
Final Thoughts: Creating a Support System and Reaching Out
Having people around who understand us and can read our emotions is essential. Having people around us who provide comfort and love is a necessary part of the human condition. Connections we make with people online can be just as real and as strong as the connections we make with people around us. Just because your friend is three thousand miles away does not mean they cannot provide you the support you need when you need it.
Introverts and people who do not enjoy being out in the world now have the opportunity to have a social life in ways they may never have been able to prior to the internet, and this is an amazing thing. Friends and family who move away from each other can keep in touch more easily than ever before with various ways to stay in touch, from texting to video calls to group chats and more.
We find ourselves at a time when we have more access to people we love than ever before. We no longer have to spend vast amounts of money or wait weeks for letters from the other side of the world. We can call our friends in Europe or Asia simply by opening a chat window or jumping into a Discord Server. We can send emails that arrive within seconds thousands of miles away.
At the same time, many still find it challenging to ask for the emotional support they need when they need it. It is our job to check in on those we love as often as possible. Despite our ability to be constantly connected, we sometimes forget that things happen outside of our digital connection.
We can tell people who are struggling to reach out and ask for help, but we must also remember that sometimes, they do not because they already feel like a burden on those around them. Reaching out to those you feel may need an extra hand can be the support they need to finally ask for help.
If you are struggling, please note that people love you and want to be there for you. You are a valid person and deserve love. Several resources are available online if you still do not feel comfortable reaching out to friends or loved ones and we encourage you to use these resources to start your journey toward the support you need.
