Exploring Asexual, Aromantic, and Demisexual Relationships: Understanding Unique Connection Styles

written by Micah Brown

Continuing our series on the various types of relationships, we are going to focus our topics today on types of relationships that are often overlooked in media and do not see much representation in media. For many people who are not within the bubble of these relationship types, it may seem as though there isn’t a relationship there at all.

While we already covered Asexuality in Part 1, we are going to take a deeper look at it and how it relates to Aromantic and Demisexual relationships.

Before we dive into these relationships, we want to provide a quick definition of what they are for those who may not know or who need a refresher.

What Is Asexuality? Attraction Without Sexual Desire

A person who is asexual is one who does not feel sexual attraction or desire toward others. In some cases, one who identifies as Asexual may become sexually aroused through stimulation, but the important takeaway here is that they don’t look at other people and become aroused or even have arousing thoughts or seek out sexual gratification of any kind.

Aromantic Relationships: Love Without Romantic Expectations

An individual who identifies as Aromantic is somebody who has no romantic feelings or desires toward others. They have no desire to find a life partner that they can fall deeply in love with. aromantic should not be automatically associated with asexual because it is possible to be aromantic and have a very high sex drive.

Aroace: Navigating Life Without Romantic or Sexual Attraction

This person has no sexual desire nor any desire for a romantic partnering. This does not mean they have no feelings, just that they do not feel a desire to partner with another person for sex or romance. They may have a close-knit group of friends, but no single person who they want to spend their time with, either romantically or sexually.

Demisexuality: When Emotional Bonds Lead to Attraction

Demisexuals are people who only become sexually aroused by people they have a deep connection with. Generally, this connection is of a romantic type, but not always. While rare, it is possible to have a Demisexual who is also Aromantic.

Because it would be so difficult to cover every possible scenario, we want to state here that we understand this article is missing some representation of unique relationships that occur.

How Asexual Individuals Build Fulfilling Relationships

In Part 1 we talked about asexual romantic relationships. For a quick refresher, these are relationship types that are deeply romantic but have no sexual component to them. These individuals feel deeply for their partner, but have no sexual desire or attraction for them. Society as a whole often has a difficult time separating romantic and sexual attraction as for most of us, being romantically entangled means having a sexual relationship with our partner or partners.

Asexuality in media is almost entirely missing, with what is perhaps the most compelling Ace character being Todd Chavez from the Netflix show Bojack Horseman. Todd’s representation as Ace in the show caught the attention of the Asexual community as a whole who applauded the character as one of the first accurate representations of Asexuality in media.

The fact that Todd was not shown to be also aromantic shows a deep understanding by the writers of what it is to be Ace, as the few characters that have been shown as ace have also been shown as Aromantic.

Somebody who identifies as asexual will have a difficult time finding a partner in a “normal” person with typical desires. That doesn’t mean such a relationship cannot happen, but it is likely going to depend on all parties making concessions of some sort around sexual activity. These sorts of bonds are more likely to be successful in a polyamorous situation where the partner who has sexual attraction and desire may get those needs met with another partner, while their ace partner provides an emotional connection that may be deeper than what they have with their sexual partners.

Understanding Aromantic Relationships and Their Unique Bonds

To say that an aromantic person doesn’t have relationships would be a misconception, but to say that they have “normal” relationships would also be in error. Somebody who is aromantic may well settle down with somebody, not because of a deep sense of love for that person, but because they have to trust this person and they can provide other needs for them. They are not going to have a sexless relationship as not all of them are asexual.

Somebody who is aromantic often thrives in polyamorous situations where they can have connections with people and enjoy sexual interactions but lack a feeling of jealousy about their partners having other partners.

Aroace Relationships

Those who exist as both asexual and aromantic may be difficult to understand by the average person. After all, so much of our media is about sex and love and how the two are intertwined that to imagine somebody who is neither sexual nor romantic can be difficult. Aroace people exist and they are becoming more open about their lives and lack of desires in both arenas.

How can somebody who has neither sexual nor romantic desires find themselves in any kind of relationship? To approach this, we first have to realize that not every relationship in the world is the picture that Hollywood and other media paint of us. Even in media where “alternate relationship types” are explored, the very idea of Aroace is missing.

Demisexual Relationships: The Role of Emotional Intimacy

A demisexual individual may very well find themselves in a romantic relationship that includes sex merely because their sexual attraction is dependent upon their connection to the individual that they are sexually attracted to. To a demisexual person, aesthetics are far less important than the emotional connection they form with an individual. 

While a romantic aspect is often the key to sexual attraction with demisexuals, that is not always the case. Any deep emotional connection may allow them to become sexual toward a person. In this way it is possible to have an aromantic demisexual who has no desire for romantic love, but will only feel sexual attraction toward a close friend or friends.

Embracing Diverse Relationship Structures

You are the only person who can define who you are. 

Don’t look at the brief overviews written here and think that you must match up exactly with what we talked about. There can be degrees of asexuality, and different forms of being a demisexual. Being aromantic doesn’t negate close emotional bonds of friendship from existing in your life – aromantics are not the Vulcans from Star Trek who are emotionless and cultivate logic over emotion – they are deeply emotional people much of the time.

Media shows us a vision of what they think we want to see in the world. Most of the world identifies as straight, so we frequently get straight stories because the belief is that’s what people want to see. Having said that, stories that show LGBTQIA+ relationships are growing in popularity on the small screen. People want to celebrate love, whether it’s romantic or platonic, and telling more stories like that will help normalize alternative relationship types.

Let’s hope the media catches on.