How to Start a Polyamorous Relationship: Types, Communication, and Best Practices
written by Micah Brown
What is a Polyamorous Relationship?
A polyamorous relationship is one in which an individual has more than one partner. There are many different configurations of polyamorous relationships, which may entail many different dynamics. Most people would consider anybody with more than one partner to be in a polyamorous relationship.
What Are the Various Types of Polyamorous Relationships?
How an individual approaches the idea of being polyamorous is going to be different. If you are considering opening a relationship to become polyamorous, it’s important to understand some of the more common types of poly so that when you do sit down to have this discussion, you can speak from a place of understanding.
Throuples and Triads
A throuple or triad is a relationship type in which three people are involved in a closed, three-way relationship. Think of it as being monogamous with an extra person. There are some who feel that this type of polyamorous relationship isn’t truly poly as it is a closed relationship, however because everybody in the throuple has two other partners, this falls squarely in the poly relationship dynamic.
Throuples are often seen as an ideal for many who think they may want a polyamorous relationship. For some, it is the potential to live a bisexual dream by having one partner of each gender, for others it can seem like a fantasy fulfillment for having two partners of the same gender paying attention to you at the same time.
If you are looking for a third to join your existing dynamic, it is important to avoid Unicorn Hunting.
A Note on Unicorn Hunting in Polyamory: What It Is and How to Avoid It
When a couple decides they might wish to bring a third into their relationship, it is often viewed as what’s called “Unicorn Hunting.” There are varying degrees to which people will refer to the idea of unicorn hunting where some believe any desire to bring a third into the relationship, whether for a fling or for a long term relationship, is unicorn hunting. Others will say that it is only those who are looking for a relationship that are unicorn hunting and that flings don’t count.
While it is possible that bringing a third into a relationship with the intention of forming a throuple will work out, and there won’t be any hurt feelings, it is generally not the case.
If you are considering opening up your relationship and think that unicorn hunting is the way to start, simply put, it is not.
It is possible to find a third partner for your dynamic without Unicorn Hunting, though it is a bit of a balancing act in some ways. When it comes to a Unicorn, they are often seen as an addition to the primary relationship, wherein the couple who sought out the third make the rules and set the expectations about how they interact with the addition and how that addition interacts with them. To avoid this and build a relationship with a third person that isn’t in the realm of Unicorn Hunting, you both need to date this person. This means that there are four relationships going on within a healthy triad.
The relationship between partner A and B, the relationship between partner B and C, the relationship between A and C, and the relationship between A, B, and C. This means that partner A and C may go on a date one night just the two of them, and that B and C may have sex together, and that A and B may have sex and a date night as well. The idea is that each partner is equally committed to the other partners in the relationship while also remaining committed to the whole.
Solo Polyamory
There is a sense of disconnect when you talk about solo polyamory. How exactly can you be solo when you’re involved with multiple partners? How does this ultimately make sense and play out?
The primary concept behind solo polyamory is the idea of full autonomy for the one who is practicing it. It is ensuring that their needs are met with the partners they choose to share themselves with. It is, as some would describe it, the best parts of being single and the best parts of having relationships. Most solo polyamorists tend to live alone without what we call a “nesting partner”. While it is possible to have a primary partner and be a solo polyamorist, it is not as common.
The goal of a solo practitioner is to take care of their own needs. Some might see this as selfish, but those who practice it feel it is a more pragmatic approach to help themselves be their best.
Hierarchal Polyamory
As the name implies, this is one of the types of polyamory where different relationships have varying status placed upon them. In this type of poly situation, you will find that that there will be a primary partner that all other relationships fall below. An example maybe a married couple where their relationship is the primary, and then who they decide to date would be secondary to their relationship.
Non-Hierarchal Polyamory
This type of poly doesn’t place status on any specific relationship and instead places all relationships on an equal field wherein no single relationship is considered more important than another. Some poly people will die on a hill of it being the “true polyamory”.
Kitchen Table Polyamory
The basic premise of this is that all the partners of various relationships would be able to sit down at a kitchen table and, at the very least, get along with each other. This is often the case with Polycules, where a number of people and their various partners are all able to get together for socialization.
Parallel Polyamory
This is kind of the opposite of a kitchen table dynamic where the participants are openly poly, but do not wish to know anything about the various additional partners that they may have. A surface level communication about other partners is likely the only type of conversation that will happen in a parallel dynamic. These “conversations” would focus on when they might have date and what time they’d be home from the date.
Relationship Anarchy
A very unique relationship structure, this type of poly does not label any of their interpersonal relationships. Whatever type of situation develops with a person becomes whatever it is without any fear of it being anything else. There is no line for friends and line for lovers as any friend could become a lover and any lover may become a platonic friend. The purpose is to strip away labels and expectations.
How to Open Your Relationship and Start Exploring Polyamory
First thing you do is stop and take a collective breath with your partner (if you have one). Poly sounds all titillating and exciting, but there is much more than just sex involved. Anybody you bring into your relationship either directly by inviting them to your dynamic or indirectly by having a secondary relationship with them is a person with thoughts and feelings of their own.
Talking about opening up your relationship, regardless of how you want to go about doing it, must be ongoing. Do not make a snap decision to bring another person or persons into your dynamic and do not make these decisions when you are out at the club and drunk.
Now let’s say you’ve done all the talking, gone over as many eventualities as you can possibly think of, and you feel comfortable with the idea of starting out in the world of poly.
The next conversation needs to be what kind of poly relationship you want to have. Are you adding others to your dynamic? Are you opening up and heading to a swinger’s party? Is it something you want to do just for sex or are you hoping to find a deeper emotional connection with others (either is valid so long as you are honest about your intentions).
I know, lots of communication - but don’t think that is going to stop even when you find additional partners! Communication is not just the lynchpin of a traditional relationship, it is even more important when people are involved in a poly relationship.
Finding Polyamorous Partners: Dating Apps and Community Resources
The world has changed from when you had to go to adult stores and peepshows to find out about the next swinger party. No longer did you have to find the weird newspapers that had personals for more than just the heteronormative crowd. Now the internet exists, and within those walls of ones and zeroes, there lies a vast bounty of apps and websites to help you find your next partner!
So many apps and websites that it has become daunting to even begin to tackle them all. I cannot recommend a single app over another. There are so many and they’re coming out so fast it can be hard to tell which one people are flocking to at any given time.
Perhaps the best advice we can give at this time is to actually check out the websites that cater to kink and BDSM. Even if you’re not kinky yourself, BDSM and poly often end up overlapping, and it is on these sites that you can find local events and even look for others near you who may be open to a poly situation.
It is also of note that many of the more popular and well-known dating apps have started to allow for poly situations in their profiles and “seeking” parts of their apps. It is not perfect, but it is a start, especially for those who may not want to join a kinky website just to find others who are comfortable with poly.
Safe Practices in Polyamory: Boundaries, Sexual Health, and Emotional Well-Being
When you’re talking about potentially bringing other partners into your lives, you also have to start thinking about safety. While it is unlikely a potential date will be a serial killer, it is more likely that you may end up dating some kind of predator so it’s important to be safe and to set dates to meet in public places before going so far as to invite them back to your place or go to their place.
Then there is the whole conversation around safe sex and what rules you and your partner(s) will have around other partners potentially having sex with you. More than one partner will increase the risk of Sexually Transmitted Infections. What precautions do you want each other to take when engaging sexually with a new partner? What sort of protection are you each comfortable with? Condoms will always be the safest way to protect against STIs, but maybe you are comfortable if everybody is getting tested regularly and sharing their test results with each other.
Bringing it All Together
We have barely scratched the surface of the various types of polyamorous relationships. The number of configurations are as varied and beautiful as the individuals who are a part of them. Whether you end up with a couple of extra partners or twenty-seven, it doesn’t matter as long as you are meeting the needs of your partners, being honest with your communication, and making certain you’re not overextending yourself in the process.
It all comes back to communication. Be open, be honest, and be prepared to learn how to use Google Calendar to track every single aspect of your life now that you have begun your journey into polyamory.
