Types of Communication in Relationships: Effective Ways to Connect, Strengthen Bonds, and Improve Understanding
written by Micah Brown
The discussion around communication within a relationship has been ongoing since the beginning of time (and possibly before that). There are countless books and articles that discuss the best way to communicate with your partner, though it is essential to consider that if there were one specific way that worked for everybody, we would only need one book to explain it. Humans are complicated creatures, and finding the best way to communicate with each other can often be a frustrating journey.
With nearly half of all marriages ending in divorce, it is understandable why we want to understand the nuances of communication between partners better. We all want to be heard and understood by those closest to us. So, what makes communication between partners different from the rest of the world? I do not pretend to have all the answers, or any of the answers, for that matter. All I can do, all any of us can do, is share my thoughts in a way that I hope you, dear reader, can understand.
Different Forms of Communication
The Spoken Word
When we think of communication, the first thing that likely comes to mind is vocal communication, which is using our voice to convey our thoughts and feelings to those around us. Our voices hold nuance and meaning beyond the words that escape from our vocal cords and betwixt our lips. A change in our tone can completely change the meaning of the words coming out of our mouths. Sarcasm is the most known method of how the tone of our voice can change the meaning of our words. There’s a difference between when somebody is happy for you and says, “I’m so thrilled to hear your good news!” and when somebody is jealous of you and says, “I’m so thrilled to hear your good news.” It is very likely you read both of those and could hear how they were delivered based on the context clues I provided.
Additionally, our tone of voice can convey comfort, love, anger, sadness, and any combination of our emotional range.
Our voices are used to comfort, to inflect emotional damage, and convey information. How we choose to use our voice in the context of our relationships can help shape the structure of our relationship. Constantly talking in anger will erode any foundation that might have existed, while taking time to choose our words carefully and use them to lift our partners can help lay a solid base for the relationship to grow.
The Written Word
“The pen is mightier than the sword.”
The power of the written word has won hearts, broken hearts, started wars, ended wars, and so much more. It has provided us with endless entertainment through books, plays, movies, and more. There would be no Shakespeare without the written word, Lord Byron, Mary Shelley, Bram Stoker, or Stephen King.We wouldn’t have love letters and love poems.
From the earliest cave paintings to the most recent novel, the written word has provided for our minds, hearts, and souls. Writing a love poem to your partner (or someone you hope to be a partner) makes a lasting impact they won’t forget. Even if the poem is terrible, they will always remember your attempt to woo them with poetry.
Letters can convey emotions, thoughts, and feelings that we may have difficulty sharing through spoken words. Using pen and paper or a keyboard, if you prefer, it is possible to pour out your thoughts and feelings in a torrent of words, allowing for a catharsis of built-up feelings. Once those words have been expressed on the page, it can become easier to tweak and adjust them so that those reading this message from you will clearly understand what you wish to convey. Making use of a co-journaling app such as Embrace is a good way to enhance the written communication between partners. Using it as a means of communicating with your partner(s) is a great way to approach sensitive topics or just send an entire love letter.
While miscommunications can happen in any form of communication, the written word lacks any kind of context clues to help you understand any subtext to the text. Listening to how somebody says “Good morning” or “I love you” will often give you a glimpse into the inner workings of their mind. But reading it on a sticky note will not give you the subtleties of their voice or body language.
The Unspoken Word – Body Language
How we carry our bodies tells those who care to observe us quite a bit about our state of mind. If we’re moving slowly with our shoulders hunched, we are likely tired, sad, or both (or perhaps just trying to get out of the rain). While everybody is undoubtedly different, there are universal clues regarding body language. You would likely recognize somebody is angry with you even if you do not speak the same language just by watching how they act toward you, their facial expressions, and how their body moves.
Body language can often belie the words that are spoken. Somebody angry may be able to keep their voice calm, but there will be signs of that anger in how they hold themselves, the lines of their face, and how they move. The same can be said for somebody who is depressed or tired. How the body moves when feeling an extreme emotion, no matter how well masked it is, will frequently tell the people around them how they genuinely feel.
The Importance of Clear Communication
While it may be possible to build a relationship without clear communication, it is certainly not a relationship that will have any staying power. Communicating with your partners clearly about all manner of things is what will keep a relationship going.
That’s not to say that communication is the only thing that makes a relationship work, but it is one of the primary pieces of the puzzle. You can communicate well with each other and still get a divorce, though if you are good communicators, it is likely the divorce won’t be contentious.
Finding Your Communication Rythm
How you and your partners decide to communicate will be up to you. Don’t think that because you have a particular communication method, your partner will understand it fully. There will be differences because we are all flawed human beings trying to figure each other out.
The most successful relationships have clear lines of communication. What you don’t see behind the scenes of these relationships is that each individual may have a different form of communication that they are more comfortable with. Instead of trying to communicate to somebody using a method you’re not fully comfortable with, attempt to communicate with them in your way.
Maybe you’re better at talking, and your partner is better at writing. Talk to them about your concerns, but tell them that they’re able to respond in a letter and that you won’t take offense at that. Or maybe you can both text each other - that way, your partner has the sense of being in a conversation while you have the sense of being able to write out your thoughts and feelings.
If you have drastically different communication styles, that still doesn’t mean the relationship is doomed. It just means that you will need to find more creative ways to make communication work for your situation. The solution that works for me may not work for you. Even the best relationships are work, but finding that sweet spot for clear communication is going to help assure you that the work doesn’t have to be tedious.
