Unicorn Hunting vs. Ethical Non-Monogamy: How to Find a Third the Right Way
written by Micah Brown
Unicorn Hunters are largely heteronormative couples who are most often seeking another woman to join them for sexual play or to join their already established relationship and adhere to the rules that the couple has already put into place. In the event that a couple may be seeking a bisexual male, this may be called “dragon hunting,” but the same rules essentially apply.
While we have given a brief overview of Unicorn Hunting in the past, upon looking at the topic as a whole, we believe it is a good idea to approach the topic in a more detailed form. It is a topic that is always current, as it seems there is a never-ending supply of unicorn hunters out in the wild at any given time. In nearly every dating app you can find, there are couples looking for a third to join them - often, it may be a girlfriend or a wife wanting to find a third for their husband or boyfriend’s birthday as a “surprise.” It could also be the couple that has been married for a few years and decides they want to “open” up their relationship.
As previously stated, this often involves the couple looking for a third to join them under their rules and boundaries without any input from the person they invite into the relationship. They have a preconceived idea as to what this will look like and become upset when things do not work out the way they had envisioned all along.
Okay, but you want to open your relationship and have a very valid desire to be a part of a triad and find somebody to join your existing dynamic. How do you do this without being unicorn hunters?
Ethically Finding a Third
The very first step in finding a third person to join your current relationship is for the two of you to talk about it. Not just the fun and exciting bits. Not just the sexual fantasies that come with the territory of having a third join your relationship, but discuss everything down to the nitty-gritty details.
This does not mean that you create rules and boundaries that the new partner must follow to be considered.
What it does mean is that you do your best to talk about various big topics before you even start looking for another relationship to add to yours. Talk about sex. Seriously. It might seem hot to think about your partner fucking somebody new and may be hot to watch it happen, but what about when they’re having sex without you? How will you feel when that happens? Because it will happen, just like you having sex with the additional partner one-on-one will also happen.
Beyond sex, talk about time together, talk about dates, talk about expectations of how bills are split if the three of you ever move in together. These are important things to consider and to think about even if you haven’t even had a single date with somebody because if what you want is a committed relationship between three people, you have to consider the eventuality of that person moving in with you and building a life.
Relationships are not all sex and fun, and being prepared for things that do not fall into those categories is ultimately going to make the relationship successful. Remember that while a relationship with one other person can be complicated, a triad relationship is going to be even more complex.
Navigating the Complexities of a Triad
The first thing that you need to realize is that you cannot simply expect that your current relationship is going to look the same when you enter into a triad. You cannot decide what your rules and expectations are and then demand the person who is joining you to follow those. It immediately alienates them and turns it into an “us against them” mentality that will corrode the relationship over time (both the original relationship and the relationship with the new partner).
When you add a third person to your existing couple, you’re actually creating several new relationships, not just one relationship with the couple. For this example, we will state that Xander, Willow, and Cordelia are thinking of entering a triad. Xander and Willow have decided they want to invite Cordelia into their relationship, but they do not want to set any expectations for her, and they understand that the relationship dynamic is going to change. In fact, there are going to four relationships within the triad:
Xander and Willow
Willow and Cordelia
Xander and Cordelia
Xander, Willow, and Cordelia
Cordelia must be an equal partner within the relationship, or it will not work out and it falls into the realm of unicorn hunters. To that end, when they begin to date, they approach Cordelia with options on how she would like the first dates to go. Does she want to meet with both Xander and Willow at the same time, or would she prefer to go on a date with Xander and then a date with Willow, and then a date with both of them? Their approach allows Cordelia to choose the most comfortable way for her to join the group.
In this instance, Cordelia decides to go on a date with Willow first, then Xander, and then if those dates go well, go on a date with both of them.
In this way, Xander and Willow allow Cordelia to make choices that show her she will be an equal partner in the relationship should it continue.
Be reassuring every step of the way and ask them questions about their comfort and how they are feeling. At specific points, it can become overwhelming and exciting for everybody, and sometimes, it can get confusing and messy. It is important to discuss these feelings with everybody involved.
How to Approach Ethical Threesomes, Foursomes, and Moresomes
Sometimes, you just don’t want to have a full-on relationship with more than just your partner, but you do want to have some sexy fun with a third (or maybe a fourth or fifth…). How can you go into finding somebody to have some extra sexy fun times with and keep things ethical?
Not to sound like a broken record, but the foremost thing you need to do is communicate with each other. Having a sexy partner (or partners) join you isn’t going to have the same layered approach that you would have when looking for a third to join a relationship. That doesn’t mean that you get to treat any possible additional partner as a unicorn, but it does mean that your approach can be a little less rigid and formal.
First, between yourself and your partner(s), discuss what sorts of activities you’re looking to engage in with additional partners. What kinks are you possibly hoping to fulfill with this venture and what activities will not be allowed. If necessary, you will want to discuss what sort of birth control you want to use and what sort of protection against STIs will be in place for all involved. It is important to note that whenever you invite additional partners into the mix there is an increased risk for STIs. Maybe you’re comfortable with everybody getting tested and leaving it at that, or maybe you want to use barrier methods that will protect against pregnancy AND STIs, but make certain that what you’re comfortable with is discussed and made clear to potential partners so that they know what they are getting into and what risks they are willing to take.
Only after you have talked about the various risks and desires you can begin the process of approaching others. The most important thing, and the very delicate balance you have to figure out is letting potential partners know that you are looking for additional partners for fun and not for anything serious and treating potential partners as real people with wants, needs, and desires of their own and not just an accessory to your sexual adventures. Make certain that whatever activities you have planned will meet your needs AND the needs of your additional partner(s).
Exploring Play Parties, Sex Parties, and Lifestyle Clubs
Attending a sex party or a lifestyle club that allows sexual activity could be a great way to enjoy the company of additional partners as well. In both cases, people enter these situations fully aware of the type of venue or event they are attending. This does not mean they have given automatic consent to anybody and they are fully capable of saying “NO” to everybody.
Within the confines of play parties, sex parties, and clubs, it becomes much more possible to approach others with the intent of sexual or kink play. If somebody appears interested, all the same rules around communication apply. Tell them what you are looking for, ask them what they are looking for, and see if there a connection for everybody involved to have a little extra fun.
The Importance of Open Communication in Non-Monogamous Relationships
We have already talked quite a bit about communication, but it is never something you can overdo. You hear it all the time when professionals talk about functional relationships, and that’s because it’s true: The most effective way to manage any difficulties within a relationship is through communication. There will be misunderstandings, forgotten dates, missed birthdays, or any myriad of other events that could upset somebody in the triad or cause jealousy.
There will be jealousy at some point in the relationship, though the degree to which it occurs will vary greatly. When it occurs, it is most often between the original couple, and it is most often jealousy around sex. In a triad, there is not always three-way sex. Sex can occur within any of the relationships found in the triad, meaning that any two people may have sex without the third at any point. In fact, it is important that each side of the triad have a relationship that is both separate from and intertwined with the whole.
Remember that libidos of different people will not always line up, and it may be that sex occurs between two of the three more often than it occurs between the others. If there are feelings of jealousy, it is vital that they are discussed so you can find a way through it without beginning to feel resentful and allowing the relationship to unravel.
How to Handle a Breakup in a Polyamorous Relatioship
Relationships often end. The divorce rate in the United States sits around 50%, people break up and start new lives. It is no different with a triad. It is likely that it will end, and how it ends will be different for everybody. Maybe you each go your separate ways, and all start new lives. Maybe the original couple stays together, or maybe one part of the original couple ends up venturing out on their own. No matter how it happens, it will be painful for everybody.
If a triad ends with one member leaving and the other two staying together, the remaining ones may feel what is often called “Survivor’s Guilt.” This is the idea that those who have survived a tragedy while others are lost to it feel guilty for having survived. It is not an uncommon feeling and it is natural to feel this way. What you don’t want to do when you feel that sort of guilt is try to fix it or interfere in the life of the person who has left. This can lead to many confusing feelings from everybody involved and may put a strain on the relationship that did survive the breakup of one individual. It is okay to be sad and to feel bad that you are in a happy place while they may not be.
Do not hold resentment at the end of the relationship. Even if it is not the breakup of a triad, resentment breeds negativity and does not help anybody. It is okay to be sad, angry, frustrated, or any of the other emotions that come with the end of a relationship, but do not let those emotions fester into resentment, as that feeling can take over and block out everything else.
Wrapping it Up
The short wrap-up for this wholething is that it is possible to ethically find a third to join your couple. The longer version of that is that if you want to ethically find a third person to date, you need to do the work with your current partner before you can even start to consider stepping out into the world of triads and throuples.
Keep these points in mind should you start to think a third might be a fun option for you:
Talk to your current partner about all possible aspects of having a third join you
Communicate clearly with any potential third that they would be considered an equal partner in the relationship
Realize the actual number of relationships that exist within a triad
Communicate, communicate, communicate
Regardless of the relationship dynamic you want to create, just make sure you’re hunting mythical beasts.
