Types of Relationships: Understanding Romantic, Asexual, and Friends with Benefits Dynamics
written by Micah Brown
There is this pervasive idea perpetuated by media and entertainment that there are really only three types of relationships in the world: Familial, Platonic, and Romantic. In addition to that misconception, there is also the idea that romantic love is really only comes in one specific flavor – the doting couple that is focused entirely on each other because that is the only way that love will ever truly work.
Couples are great, do not get me wrong. I am one half of a very happy couple, but I am also aware that my type of coupling and your type of coupling mayn be completely different from each other. Or maybe you are part of a Throuple or Polycule - which is also wonderful and adorable, and I applaud you for finding love in whatever form best suits you.
Why Understanding Relationship Types Matters
Being a part of Embrace means that we focus on the romantic aspect of relationships in the hopes of fostering those relationships and helping them to grow and flourish. While thousands of books out there talk about relationships and love, many still confine the idea of those relationships to a stereotypical romantic couple. In fact, many of the self-help books out there for couples who may be struggling focus entirely on how to fit into the specific roles for each half of the couple so that things will “just work.”
Pardon my language, but to hell with those books and the idea that to be happily entrenched within a romantic relationship, you must have two people who fall into very specific roles within the scope of the relationship. Even in many books that focus on gay and lesbian couples, there is this idea that if one half of the couple performs the “masculine” duties and the other the more “feminine” duties, then the relationship will magically work itself out now that you each have your correct roles.
This is bull shit - again, pardon my language.
Over the course of this series we will take some time to look deeper into the various types of relationships that people may find themselves in. While we tend to focus on the romantic, there are some of the more platonic-leaning relationships that are certainly worth more than cursory discussion.
All that being said, let us get the basics out of the way first.
The Stereotypical Romantic Relationship: A Common Perception
We will leave gender out of this discussion as it really has no bearing on the idea of the stereotypical romantic couple. We see these types of couples all the time on television and in movies. These are the couples who fit into defined roles within the relationship and, much like many of the books discussed above, tend to split their roles into “traditionally masculine tasks” and “traditionally feminine tasks.”
If this is the type of relationship that you find yourself in, that is more than okay! There is nothing wrong with being in a more traditional couple.
Believing that this is the ONLY way to be in a committed, romantic relationships is wrong and shows a lack of respect for other relationships types.
The Asexual Romantic Relationship: Love Without Sexual Expectation
Asexuality is not always the complete lack of a sex drive, and we understand that. Asexuality comes in many different varieties. Not everybody who is ACE shuns all sexual activity.
Asexual people have always existed, though through some sense of irony, asexuality was often viewed as either a medical or mental health condition – in much the same way that hyper-sexuality was viewed the same way. Apparently, you need to want to have sex, but you should not want it too much or too little or there is something wrong with you…
For the time being, we seem to be moving past that idea, and we are quickly becoming more accepting of different levels of sexuality and desire. This is a good thing. And for those who do have a low libido who WANT to have a more active sex drive, there are options for them out there - but there is NOTHING wrong with being asexual.
It is not uncommon for asexuals to attract each other into romantic relationships. Since they are not often sexual, if they ever are, being with somebody who does not have a specific sexual desire or drive is important. While some asexuals may have sex and get nothing out of it except for the knowledge that their partner enjoyed the act, others are actively repulsed by the idea of sex and never want to experience it. Being with somebody who is of a like mind in this regard creates a level of comfort for those involved.
It is very possible to love very deeply and romantically without sex. The whole idea of sex being an act of love (making love, anybody?) has never been true. You do not need to be in love to have sex, and you do not have to have sex because you are in love.
Asexual romantic relationships are filled with other activities that take the place of intercourse. Showing each other how much they love each other may be in the form of games, acts of kindness, shared activities out in the world, or simply reading books side by side and holding hands. Shared interests and open communication are key parts of asexual relationships - perhaps more-so than traditional romantic relationships.
Friends With Benefits: Balancing Friendship and Physical Intimacy
I wanted to bring this one up because it is one type of platonic relationship that I have never been successful with. I know I said we would discuss primarily romantic relationships in this series, but I am including this because it often happens that Friends With Benefits turns into something romantic, though that is not always the case.
When I say I have not been successful with this type of relationship it is because sex for me will always be something deeper than just something I can share with a friend. To a degree, I envy those people who can have casual sex with friends or one-night stands. For me, when somebody opens themselves up in that way, my response is to open myself more emotionally to them, and I can quickly lose the thread of platonic relationship with some sexy times and begin to feel a deeper emotional connection.
If you are like me at all in this regard, a friends with benefits situation is likely not something that is going to work out well for you.
For many others out there, this is a great solution for their libido to get some release while spending time with somebody they enjoy spending time with. Sex does not have to fit into the box of “only for those people in love” in the same way it should never fit into the box of “only for married people.”
If you are one of those people who can enjoy sex with people and not end up falling love with them, that is amazing, and I hope you have many wonderful experiences. There is nothing wrong with having friends with benefits or having many friends with many different types of benefits. The most important thing you can do as somebody in a FWB situation is to not lead your friend on. If they start to have feelings for you and you do not have feelings for them, do not lead them along just so you can keep having sex with them. You must be honest and upfront and break it off to protect both of you.
Coming Up: Exploring More Relationship Types
Over the next several months, we will be putting out one blog a month that focuses on different relationship types to help people have a better understanding of what types of relationships exist out in the world and help foster an understanding of the varying types. We believe that no matter what kind of relationship you are part of, communication plays an important role in keeping it healthy. The Embrace App is a great way to foster open communication and push a deeper understanding of yourself and your partner. Whether you are romantically entangled or you are friends with benefits, the Embrace App has something that will help you keep your relationship fresh and exciting.
