Redefining Intimacy: Exploring Connections Beyond Sexuality
written by Micah Brown
What is intimacy?
In the United States, if you ask somebody what being “intimate” means, you will, more often than not, receive an answer related to sex. While sex is certainly a type of intimacy, it is not the only kind of intimacy. Friendships can be intimate, and familial relationships can be intimate. Dictionary.com defines Intimacy as: “a close, familiar, and usually affectionate or loving personal relationship with another person or group.” It is not until the 6th definition of the word that it mentions sexual intercourse.
One of the possible reasons for intimacy to be so tied to sexuality in the United States is likely because the puritanical view of nudity also ties into our views of sex and sexuality. So many people seem to view the nude body as nothing more than an expression of sexuality that we see innocent flashes of nudity and immediately feel that it’s somehow sexual.
Cultural Perceptions of Intimacy in Modern Society
Nobody wants to wear lots of clothing when it’s 43ºC (110ºF) outside. Wearing nothing but shorts or a bikini is not sexual because the more skin exposed, the more cooling factor we receive from our sweat (we also put ourselves at higher risk of skin damage and skin cancer if we don’t primarily stay in the shade or keep up with our sunscreen routine).
What society on this side of the pond does not always grasp is that you can have an incredibly intimate moment with somebody in a crowded room while fully clothed and without a single sexual thought.
With the world changing as we watch it, it is important to think about intimacy and who we want to be intimate with. Everybody seeks out intimacy of some kind during their life. We want to have close friends, we want to be close to our families (whether they are blood related or found families), we want to find a partner with whom we can be intimate – but not just in a sexual way.
The Role of Vulnerability in Building Meaningful Connections
To dig deeper into intimacy, we must also look at what vulnerability is. Of course, we make ourselves vulnerable when we are having sex. Most sex involves some kind of penetrative act where one person is entering the body of another. This can be both very intimate and make people feel very vulnerable in the moment.
BUT, it is possible to have sex that is not intimate and it is possible to have sex without feeling vulnerable. Sex workers may have sex with multiple people over the course of a day and not feel intimate with any of them. An individual could go out for a night at the club and find their way home with somebody they are attracted to and not feel a moment of vulnerability when they are naked, nor a moment of intimacy when they are in the midst of the act.
Navigating Intimacy Across Different Relationship Types
At the same time, you could end up at a crowded bar and strike up a conversation with somebody and end up sitting in the corner until after the last call, just talking and sharing pieces of your lives in a very intimate fashion. While that whole exchange could be the start of a romance, it is also possible that it’s the start of a very good friendship. You may walk home the morning after a fling with the person from the club and never really think about them again. You had an orgasm (hopefully), and they had an orgasm (hopefully), and that was the end of that.
The person you sat in the bar with for hours and talked to is not going to leave your mind as quickly because of that intimacy you shared with them over the course of the evening. You probably will not forget that evening of intimacy, even if you ended up never seeing that person again.
You can have an intimate relationship with your parents and not be thinking about incest. Families, by and large, tend to be intimate because of your proximity and familiarity with those with whom you share a space. Siblings may have rivalry growing up but can also form intimate bonds based on shared experiences.
Rekindling Lost Intimacy in Relationships
Intimacy does not always come easily. A couple who had a very close, intimate relationship at one point can grow apart and end up going their separate ways. Then there are times when people want to find a way back to the intimacy they once shared, whether that is with friends or in a romantic relationship. Sometimes, it can feel daunting to find a way back to intimacy, but other times, it is not as difficult.
There is some irony to the fact that it is often more difficult to find your way back to intimacy than it is to form it with somebody initially. This ties back to vulnerability and how we must make ourselves vulnerable to allow somebody to be intimate with us. To share the story of your heartbreaking moment in middle school with somebody, you have to risk being laughed at. While it is unlikely that you would feel comfortable enough to tell such a story to somebody you know would laugh, that initial hesitance before making yourself exposed like that with a new person (then again, maybe you’re telling that story to get a laugh, and you’re worried they won’t).
Lessons on Connection and Trust
Being intimate with the people we care about will become far more important as we watch how the world is changing now. Allowing ourselves to be unguarded with the people we love and trust the most will only strengthen us all by allowing us a better understanding of each other, our hopes, and our fears. When we have a deeper (more intimate) understanding of those around us, we are better able to communicate our own point of view in a way that is not hostile.
I am lucky to have friends and family with whom I feel I can be intimate. Whether I am watching movies, talking on the phone for hours, or simply snuggling in with my partner for an evening of horror movies and laughs, I have a circle of people around me with whom I am comfortable.
Not everybody in your life is somebody to be intimate with. Work colleagues and your favorite barista are not, generally speaking, people to be deeply intimate with. Save that for the people who you know will come over in the middle of the night when you need to cry on their shoulder.
Snuggling In
The role of intimacy in our lives is one of great importance. The more we step back and realize the various types of intimacy within our various relationships, the better we can understand our feelings. Intimacy is not just sex with somebody. Sex is not always intimate. Look at the circle of people you have in your life and ask yourself how you are intimate with each of them, or even if you are intimate with any of them. Connection is what keeps humanity thriving, and connection comes through intimacy. Foster those intimate relationships, whether with your romantic partner, best friend, or family.
